Neko Neko no Mi
by Pocky of Doom
Summary: What happens when Luffy mistakes a Devil's Fruit for a tangerine?


Title: Neko-Neko-no-Mi ("Fruit of Cat" or "Cat's Fruit")

Rating: T

Warnings: Swearing (all in Japanese), Robin, Chopper, heaps of dementia, most of the Mugiwara-Dan as kitties!

Pairings: None are intentional, but a few friends read this first and told me that they saw Zoro x Luffy...

Disclaimer: One Piece + Oda Eiichiro not mine. Sometimes that simple equation keeps me up at night sobbing, along with the image of a very fat, hairy man wearing a mini-skirt and coconut bra while "What a Wonderful World" (which happens to be my least favorite song) plays loudly in the background. Be afraid of my head.

**Neko-Neko-no-Mi**

_In which we find out why Monkey D. Luffy is usually not allowed to prepare breakfast for his nakama._

DAY 1

"Kuso, Luffy! You're such an idiot!"

Nami's cry echoed through the galley, ringing through the ears of the reast of the crew surrounding her. They all winced at the sound, their hearing was now super-sensitive thanks to Monkey D. Luffy's blunder.

Luffy blushed and rested his furry black paws behind his head. "G-gomen nasai. . . ."

Yes, he had paws. They all had paws, because Luffy had turned them all into cats.

"Luffy. . . ." Usopp, who was now a Siamese with a very long, stiff tail that had two markings about it that looked like eyes, thumped said tail irritably against the floor. "It was very nice of you to make orange juiece for the great Captain Usopp-sama's breakfast . . . but next time, make sure the fruit you're juicing is a friggin' orange!"

Luffy sighed. "I thought that one of Nami's tangerines had rolled out onto the deck! I'm sorry!"

"You shouldn't use Nami-swan's tangerines without permission anyway, yarou." Sanji's whiskers curled up at the ends, and one eye was covered by fur. He was a blonde Munchkin breed cat, the kind of cat that has very short legs. He was speaking around a fishbone now, because the author cannot stand the thought of a kitty smoking a cigarette, especially not a kitty as cute as the Sanji-Kitty appears in her mind.

Luffy's new cat ears flattned against his head. He would've thumped his tail at Sanji, but since he was a Manx, he didn't have one. "I told you all I was sorry! That's all I can do!"

Roronoa Zoro, now a dementedly green American Shorthair with three bite marks taken out of his left ear, twitched his tail against the table. "Would you all just shut up so I can take a nap?"

Sanji growled. "Marimo, get off the table."

Zoro yawned. "Why? I'm a hell of a lot bigger than you now, and besides, cats can't kickbox. . . ."

"Nyaaaaan!" Luffy let out a pitiful meow. "I just realized! Cats can't cook, either.! No more meat! Whyyyyyy! Why did this tragedy have to happen?"

Sanji swatted at Luffy's head. "It's your fault, yarou!"

Chopper, who had not had any of the juice because Luffy had made it and he'd feared for his life, got over the initial shock and spoke up at this point. "I think it'll wear off soon, guys! Don't get upset!"

Robin blinked, and her little black Persian nose twitched. "What makes you say that, Doctor-san? Obviously, Captain-san made the juice out of an Akuma-no-Mi, and to my knowledge, Akuma-no-Mi does not wear off with time."

"Yes, but none of you ate the actual fruit." Chopper nodded. "You see, you just drank the juice, and since all the juice came from one fruit, you barely even had any, anyway. The juice from an Akuma-no-Mi isn't even a quarter as potent as the actual flesh of the fruit. Therefore, you'll probably go back to normal (or as normal as you can get) by tomorrow or possibly late today."

"Ah! That's great!" Nami, who was an orange tabby, smiled a little. "You're so smart, Chopper!"

"Ahahahahaha!" Chopper smiled and waved his hoof in the air. "I'm not that smart! Abazu! Don't lie like that, kuso no atama!"

"So, we'll go back to normal soon?" Luffy meowed happily. "That's good! I don't think I'd like being a kitty for too long!"

"Well. . . ." Chopper sighed. "I guess that's it, we just have to wait. If at all possible, stay off of the deck; you're not used to these bodies and if you fall overboard, that's it."

"Luffy!" Zoro jumped down off of the table and ran after his captain. "Did you hear a word that Chopper just said!"

The little black Manx kitten skittered to a stop on the wood of the deck. "wau . . . everything is so big, Zoro!" He looked over at his green-furred friend. "Even you!"

"Not really. You're just very small now." Zoro looked longingly at his katana, leaning up against the railing. "I guess I won't be able to use those for a while. God, they'll probably fall off the ship, leaning against the railing like that. . . ." He paused, then carefully stepped further onto the deck, towards his katana.

"Zoro!" Luffy fidgeted nervously, sitting then standing, as if he couldn't decide whether to go help him first mate or not. "Didn't you hear Chopper? We're not supposed to go on the deck!"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Then why did you come running up here as soon as you heard him say it?"

"Because I wasn't going to go near the edge! Come back!"

"At least let me get Wadou. Calm down."

"But you can't carry Wadou. You're a lot bigger than me now, but you're a lot smaller than Wadou now. And you don't have opposable thumbs anymore!"

"Opposable!" A look of shock passed over Zoro's features. "I didn't think you knew that word!"

"Come on, Zoro. . . ."

Zoro was halfway towards the railing, when suddenly, dozens of little black paws sprouted from the deck and grabbes Zoro's katana, pulling them back below. Zoro quickly turned and ran back below deck with Luffy, where they saw the dozens of paws leaning the beloved katana against the wall.

"Nya!" Luffy let out a small meow of gratefulness. "Thank you, Robin!"

"You're welcome, Captain-san."

Zoro blinked. "How'd you do that?"

"With the powers of the Hana-Hana-no-Mi, Swordsman-san." Robin nodded. "Dozens of cat paws are enough to drag swords. And the powers of the other fruit don't interfere with my usual powers, apparently."

"Oh! Does that mean I can still stretch!" Luffy stretched out his two front legs and latched onto a small curtain across the room, pulling himself over and dangling there. Haha! Yatta! I really can still stretch!"

Luffy looked proud of himself. He began to purr, hanging on the curtain. For a while, the crew watched him, and then went off to do their owen things.

Sanji was following Nami around in circles, telling her how beautiful she was, even as a cat. Nami was getting more and more annoyed. Usopp was watching them, amused.

"Sanji, stop following her! She doesn't want to date a midget!"

Sanji scowled. "That's a big lot coming from someone whose face looks the same on his head as it does when it's on a cat's a-"

"Sanji-kun!" Nami smirked. "Your whiskers are really weird, but you're so kawaii as a kitty!"

"Nami-swan!" Sanji's visible eye transformed into a heart, and it seemed he would die of happiness. "Thank you, Nami-swan, but your beauty surpasses all else!"

Robin was at the other end of the room, trying to read a book. Chopper was helping her, flipping the pages when she told him to and holding the book open since she couldn't.

Luffy was still hanging on the curtains, and Zoro was curled into a ball on the back of the couch, watching. "Luffy, you shouldn't hang on the curtains. If you tear them, Usopp will yell at you."

"Aw, I didn't think about that." Luffy's ears dropped, and he leapt onto the back of the couch from the curtains and surveyed them from there. "They don't look ripped. Yatta, Usopp won't have to yell at me!"

Zoro's tail twitched in annoyance. He just wanted to take a nap. But if possible, Luffy was even louder as a cat than as a human.

Luffy watched the tip of Zoro's tail move, fascinated. Then he pounced and caught the tail in between his paws.

Zoro meowed in surprise and glared at Luffy, who was now laying on his back, batting at Zoro's tail. "Luffy, what are you doing?"

"Zoro!" Luffy breathed with amazement and he batted gently at the tail again. "You . . . you have a tail!"

"Yeah, I'm a cat right now."

"Me, too. But I don't have one." Apparently, that was why he was so enamored with Zoro's tail. He clapped it between his paws. "Tails are cool. Zoro, can I have your tail? Please?"

"What? No! If Itake it off, I'll bleed to death!"

Luffy panicked and sat up quickly. "You're bleeding to death!"

"No, baka. I will bleed to death if I try to give you my tail."

"Oh. Then you should keep it." Luffy paused. "Can I still play with it?"

"No."

"Awwww."

DAY 2

"Kuso! I hate being a cat!"

Luffy looked worriedly over at Sanji, who was beating his head repeatedly on the floor. "Sanji? What's the matter?"

Sanji let out a piteous mew. "For one thing, there's that! I can't stand that noise! And I keep making it without meaning to - over and over again! And I'm so short! I have to look up to see Nami-swan, andthough that's the way it should be, seeing as she's so high above me, it perturbs me to have it as thought it must be that way! Oh, God, I hate this!"

Luffy blinked. He didn't really understand anything his cook had just said, except for 'I hate being a cat.' "It's okay, Sanji. We'll go back to normal soon, remember? Chopper said. And Chopper's real smart; he wouldn't tell us that unless it were true. And besides, even if he's wrong, being a cat isn't so bad."

"Eh . . . I guess things can't get any worse. . . ."

Luffy's face lit up. "Are you kidding? Things can always get worse! Much, much worse! Even 'Dear-God-Just-Kill-Me-Now' worse! But only a yarou lets it get to him."

Sanji was not comforted. He went off to sulk in the corner and tried not to will his captain into being struck by lightning.

Luffy got up from the rug he was laying on and stretched, one of those weird kitty stretches where they stick their butts waaaaay up in the air as if they want you to notice their butts and make a comment.

"Luffy." Nami sighed. "Don't do that, it's rude."

Luffy blinked and walked over to the couch, where Nami was trying to figure out how to hold a pen to draw a map. "Why is it rude, Nami?"

"Because, Luffy, even if you are a cat right now, and even if it is really adorable, it's not right to wave your butt in the air. Okay?"

"Okay? I guess so?"

"Good, thank you."

Luffy sat there for a while after she stopped talking, hoping maybe she'd start talking again or play with him or something, but when she just glared at him, he got up and went to find Usopp. Soon, he found him, with his incredibly long nose and girlish eyes. He sat down next to him and began talking.

"Usopp, I'm really bored. Being a kitty is so boring! There's nothing to do. I can still stretch, but I can't stretch as far now because I'm so small! I can't go out on the deck because it's real big and scary now, and I'm just . . . bored! Usopp, think of something fun for me to do!"

There was a long pause. A very long pause. A five minute pause. Usopp didn't blink in all that time.

". . . Usopp?"

". . . Luffy, you're talking to my butt."

"What? Usopp, why haven't you blinked for so long?"

"Because you're looking at my butt!" Usopp heaved a huge, choking sob and turned around to look at Luffy. "I look the same on both ends! Dear God, just kill me now!"

"Only a yarou lets it get to him, Usopp!" Luffy nodded in what he thought was a wise manner, and walked away. Usopp went to sulk in the corner with Sanji. So Luffy went to find Zoro.

Zoro was asleep in a chair in the galley. Luffy jumped up and landed on top of him. Zoro let out a loud, frightened snarl and a loud string of curses, but he calmed down considerably when he realized it was Luffy. "Chikusho, Luffy! What are you doing! Kuso!"

Luffy sighed. "I'm bored. Will you think of something fun for me to do?"

"No." Zoro went off to find a new, quiet place to sleep, and found that the quietest spot was in the corner with Sanji and Usopp.

Luffy pouted as well as he could under the circumstances. His nakama were so depressed! They needed . . . a hug! He wiggled his rear in the air, regardless of Nami's reprimands, and with a running leap, landed on Sanji, Zoro and Usopp.

Unfortunately, at that exact moment, the powers of the juice from the Neko-Neko-no-Mi wore off, and they ended up as a pile of naked dudes in the corner, causing yaoi fans the world over to die from massive nosebleeds and causing the author to burst into uproarious laughter because she is a git.

Needless to say, once they'd all found their clothes, they beat the crap out of Luffy and he was never allowed to prepare any kind of food ever again.


End file.
